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| ” Oh I can see now that all these clouds are following me, in my desperate endeavor. I’m not coming back, but you’d expect that from me. I’ll be blunt; I’m washing you out of my hair and out of my mind..”
I’m trying my best not to think about everything, but it’s really hard to take it one day at a time with everything. I have another ultrasound and a biopsy coming up next week at the cancer center. Not only that but I have my glucose test coming up next week as well. And I’m stressing out which I shouldn’t do with the baby. I can’t eat any bread, sweets, and whatever else that’s good that I can’t have. I don’t know it’s been so hard to keep up with everything lately. It breaks my heart all the time, because I can’t give my son that cookie cutter life with a happy mom and dad living under one roof. I want to give my son the world, but I can’t -I have to be realistic. I cried tonight because it just hurts so bad that Jeff will not change, not even for his own son’s benefit. Jeff says that “I’m selfish”, when he’s the one who can’t even live up to the responsibility of a wife or child. If having love and wanting the best for my child is selfish, then convict me now I’m selfish as selfish comes. It hurts that Graham is being born into a broken home, but I guess it’s better now then it to happen later in his life. Mom said all I can do is give him (Graham) the best that I can, and love him with all my heart. And I do love him, I have built up so much love for Graham now and it can only get stronger when he's born. I don’t think anyone really understand how much love a mother-to-be has for her unborn child. And I just really want the best for him, because Graham deserves it, from me, and from everyone who will be in his life. This isn’t how I ever pictured my life; this isn’t how I expected raising my child. My best Kennon, seems to be the only one (besides my mother) to give me a real shoulder to really cry on. And he said that I shouldn't be sad because he knows Graham will have a great mom that loves him dearly and that’s enough. I just really hope that it is, I don’t want Graham to blame himself for what happened between his father and I when he gets older. That is the last thing I want. Gosh with everything that has happened and gone on, I should seriously just sit down and write a (very heartfelt) book. | |
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| And this brings us up to date, the reason why I’m here.
Well, it’s not long after we moved, just about three months.
We found out we were going to have a baby.
Unfortunately, not by choice, it just happened.
And now I have no idea what to do.
We don’t have any money.
We don’t have much space.
We’re eighteen and on our own, you know?
I came out here to get away.
Have a fresh start.
This makes it hard.
You haven’t said anything in awhile.
You’re not even listening….
Yes I am.
Go ahead tell me more.
Oh yes, I love to hear every word you say,
So let it out; don’t let it stay.
'Cause that’s what kills and that’s what hurts.
When you’re stuck inside and you can’t get out.
But here’s what’s worse, when you have to lie,
'Cause you’re stuck inside this shallow mind,
That won’t see himself for what he is.
The truth behind what he gives to the world,
And himself, and what he thinks he is.
You can’t hurt anyone, 'cause you only give.
Oh, that’s you.
That’s not me,
And I never said it was.
I bet you’re saying this because you probably did the same thing.
Didn't you?
Oddly enough, I’m on my way…
Now see it’s natural to assume the worst,
When you’re raised to only trust yourself.
But I must agree.
You should know that you have been quite wrong.
Your dad is right, it’s not his fault.
You only see what you need to see,
To feel worse for your sorry life.
Not to fix it, but to only hide,
Behind walls you put up.
So continue feeling bad for yourself.
It’s not your fault it’s everyone elses.
There’s one thing you failed to see.
You’re a man, you’re your father’s son.
You both decided it was best to run.
And now you’re stuck,
Being him.
So forget the plans you had for life.
It’s time to learn, it’s time for people to try,
To look at things, for what they are,
And not the best story line.
The best story line...
Hi, my name is Dean.
I grew up in a small suburb town, about forty miles from the city.
It’s a quiet place, but the people there have the biggest mouths.
It’s the kind of place where people care more about your stories,
Than who you actually are.
I guess that kind of makes sense now when I look at myself. | |
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A compelling or constraining influence, such as a moral force on the mind or will .... pressure.
To be undecided or skeptical, to tend to disbelieve and distrust.
To regard as unlikely .... that's doubt.
The condition of being insufficient or falling short.
Decline in strength or effectiveness .... failure.
The instinct to run, to back away, or give up ....
To need. want. reach. steal.
The feeling to always want more, and to take more.
The loss of breath at the sight of a car accident... to drive by.
Never being able to feel satisfied, and to reject anyone who tries ....
This is my life ....
- Tags:compelling influence, direction, doubt, effectiveness, falling short, feelings, influence, insufficient, life, moral force, pressure, strength, the path, unlikely
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| I came across this and it made me smile... It's rather long and just to think I even deleted about half of it. If you have known me for a long time now you probably know who these words are from. Never the less it reminded me of my old self the one self that I am so ready to get back to. When something horrible happends, and you lose yourself. It's always good to have something to remind you, to come back to...
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She is one of artsy girls with a piercing or two, dyed hair, not to mention completely amazing in every other aspect imaginable. She has a magic in her eyes that will never fade and an aura that can be felt even when she is miles away from you. You can get lost in her eyes as I constantly do. I look up at her, realize how truly amazing she is, and can never put into words how much I love her.
It's strange how a lone wolf will depend on someone. I have been spoiled by her love and need a constant fix of it or I will go insane. In my deepest of slums, she pulls me out. Whether it is her support, of the mere sight of her that pulls me out. The thought of her will make you smile, a content smile. The kind that if thought upon it long enough, it will make your eyes water. She will warm you up on the coldest nights, or the coldest of moments. Her embrace means everything to me. Anyone else, it would be meaningless, but to know that I have her beside me, to know that I have someone who will always be there for me, to know that no matter how lost I get, how low I feel, how strung out I might become, that I will always have somewhere to go, is a good feeling. It is more than a good feeling, it is in a category of it's own. It is a Divine feeling. It is the most comfort that anyone could ever feel.
She is full of compassion and rainbows. I've chased this rainbow around for the last eight months, and I found something more valuable than a pot of gold. Not everything that can be counted, counts, but the things and people that count, cannot be counted. This girl has opened me up. She has broken down my walls and exposed a side of me that I have locked away, in fear of being crushed. She has developed my compassion. She has showed me that it is alright to rely on someone. She has also inadvertently taught me to stand up for the things that mean the most to me. I have never been a person to become irritated if someone makes a comment to me about my loved ones, but she has taught me otherwise.
I asked my father to explain to me the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. He looked at me with a puzzled look. I told him that it is impossible to express something you can't understand. Before this girl, I did not understand that little thing called love, now I have a greater appreciation for life, and I have learned to love.
She has sparked a curiosity in me about life. The little things. She has made me look forward to something I have been dreading...growing up. But I know that when I grow up, I will have her right there beside me. I know that she will always be here for me when I need support, as I will be here for her. This girl has a knack for creativity. She creates her own jewelry, and has a style that she can call her own, and I can call her my own. The box above this reads "Post a Comment About Natasha", I don't think I will ever be able to finish.
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I've almost forgotten who I was before the accident. Medication has a way of blurring your sight. I have forgotten who I was, who I loved, and where I was going. And that's scary. I went from being a strong willed person, knowing what I wanted and where I was going in life. To being some odd ball too shy, too thursty. But afraid to live, afraid to do anything for the fear of hurting. I was clouded by this image of this girl -too afraid and always guessing herself. This is not me, and I refuse to be that girl any longer. I refuse to dull the pain and make myself go into a deep sleep...to go away. I went from being so full of life to being boring, a shell of my former self. It makes me sad. | |
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| A compelling or constraining influence,
such as a moral force on the mind or will... pressure.
To be undecided or skeptical,
to tend to disbelieve and distrust.
To regard as unlikely.... that's doubt.
The condition of being insufficient or falling short.
Decline in strength or effectiveness.... failure.
The instinct to run, to back away, or give up....
To need. want. reach. steal.
The feeling to always want more,
and to take more.
The loss of breath at the sight of a car accident... to drive by.
Never being able to feel satisfied,
and to reject anyone who tries... | |
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pathofmeaning's journal
