I have to say that I am really blessed to have all the support I have from everyone around me, I hold onto each person like they are gold. This whole thing has taught me not to take things for granted, because you never know what the things or the people you love most will be taken away from you. I thank the world for Holly who sent some money to me. It was enough to buy everything that would be in a crib set but the quilt they were out of stock. His room is starting to come together and it really is adorable. I think mom would have loved it, I honestly do. I know mom would be so proud about all the things I have done.

But I know how she felt though, she had so much to do, so much on her, and with very little help. Everything is on me now, my mom has passed away now suddenly I have to take on everything she did for the family. I just physically cannot do it. Things with Denise aren't getting any better either, I called her in desperation, she didn't pick up the phone so I left a message. Telling her that she needed to sign those papers, I can't afford to go to probate court and neither could she. So it would make sense if she would just sign those papers. My uncle even tried to call her and tell her he would gladly give her the hutch and the kitchen set mom was supposed to get when my Grandmother dies, but only if she signed that paper. Moms hospital bill came in yesterday and it's $2,183.00 and I don't have that kind of money. The only way I could pay for her medical bills is by selling her car, but I can't sell her car or anything else because of Denise. My lawyer even told her she would look like a fool if she did this.

I half way wonder if I could get around her and probate court, because Denise is only my half sister, and she has a totally different name than me. And there are no records of her as a Polinsky, I am the only living beneficiary of the Polinsky family and everything my mom owned and had is in Polinsky. I don't know .. there is just so much to deal with right now.

Graham is due next month, I'm freaking out because I don't have the house ready for him. I'm in major nesting mode as well and this isn't helping matters.

The death of my mother really woke me up from everything. I am no longer going to take my life and the people around me for granted; because you never know when they will be taken away from you. I’m starting to smile more and be more like my old self. Even though the pain of losing her it’s starting to dull, it’s still so surreal that she isn’t here. Everything was so sudden and out of nowhere, sometimes it’s really hard to processes. Not only that but I have so much to deal with right now. My half sister is being a pain, but I guess in every family there is an evil, vindictive, idiot. My mom left everything to me, you can’t blame her either if my half sister had her way she would come in take everything from me either pawn it, sell it, or give it away. That’s just how she is, she cares only about herself. When mom asked her for help she would only come if mom paid her. I mean if you love your mother as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t do half the stuff as she does. Her youngest kid, Chyenne stole my mom’s DS game that I had gotten her, and it took Denise forever to return the game back to mom. She thinks her kids are angels when to be honest they are following in the footsteps on their mother. Chyenne would steal the pennies off the eyes of a dead man. And no one can trust Denise or her spawn in their home. Everyone has to keep a close eye on them to make sure that they don’t take things. My lawyer had contacted Denise about signing a paper that said she understood that she was not on the will, that she had nothing to do with any of my mother’s belongings, that’s all she had to do and this whole thing would have been over with. I wouldn’t have to go through probate court, and pay $1,000 that I don’t have to get $600 dollars out of the bank and change everything into my name. She said she would think about it… Mr. Wilson my lawyer called me back at 3:30 and left me a message saying that she will not sign anything. No signature means she’s fighting, which means I have to pay out $1000 that I don’t have. I don’t have a job, I don’t have any money and everyone expects me to do everything. My mom was retired, and she was only getting $100 a month from widow’s benefit from when my dad died. I lost my dad to a massive heart attack as well two years ago. So you can see why this is so tough for me. Not only that but Graham is due next month, they are finishing off my breast surgery three weeks after he’s born I’m also going through with a breast reduction as well. Mom’s house is a mess and not ready for a baby at the moment, there is stuff everywhere, so much stuff I don’t even know what to do with. I’m probably just going to have a large estate yard sale…maybe.

8 weeks left and Graham will be here…

Do I sound selfish when I say that I don’t want anyone else to call themselves Nana? My mom wanted to be Nana, and now that she’s gone I don’t want anyone else to have that title...

It's been really hard for me to really cope with things, my mother hasn't been in the ground for 24 hours yet and people are already at me wanting things. Well I'm just not ready to give you things, I'm not ready to let go yet.

I'm in a big house with lots of things, the dog I gave my mother: Jonas, and yet I still feel so alone. I try my best to remember her face 3 hours before everything happened, but it's hard to scratch out the memory of her last few hours with me.. Me crying, screaming at 911 to hurry, her ... not responding. And just few minutes before we were talking about Grahams socks that we got him that were thick enough to keep his little feet warm this winter, and how excited I was.

We at 9 o'clock we were watching Americas got talent and these three children were seeing God bless America because that what they sung to their mother while she was in a comma..We both cried, I was sitting on the recliner and I was going to move to sit with her on the couch but I didn't move... I wish I had sat by her and hugged her.

I know I can't beat myself up never this, but I didn't tell my mother I loved her that day, I didn't get a chance to say good night either. She was gone before I could ever get a word out, and it hurts so much. When they told me that she was gone, all I could do was scream no into my cousin chest.

This is so unfair.

Never in my life did I think that I would be 19, pregnant, and burring my mother.

I lost my father to a massive heart attack a year ago, now I have lost my mother to the same thing, and that scares me. All the warning signs were right there in front of us, but mom was too stubborn to go to the doctor, and then when she finally gave in she felt "better" and didn't want to go. I wish I had just stomped my foot at her and shoved her in the car and took her the day before.

I lost my best friend, my mother, my everything, at 2 o'clock AM Thursday morning...